The Big Day

With no ability to quell my nerves, I take action.

April 30th, 2021

Now that I’ve seen THE specialist, albeit by luck, the only goal was to keep my body strong enough to endure the wait to get on his surgical list. My mind raced with health issues combined with the global crisis. The TV blasting Trump news incessantly did not help. What’s stressing me and where is it in my body? If I can pinpoint those areas, that might lessen its effect. What are the triggers?

-Three people cooped up due to lock down and one of us is mentally unbalanced (me).

-General fear of everything: no idea if I will get out of this, will this ever end? Will I be able to find a job and provide for myself? Who needs restaurant design and branding when everyone is focused on take-out.

-Arguing hurts my uterus. That’s easy, don’t argue.

How do I know its my uterus that hurts? Well, my lower left groin screams in pain and my lower back hurts. Is that uterus pain? It feels just like PMS pain before my period but I have no cycle. Let’s try to be accurate Siobhan. The drugs are stopping my cycle so I have no idea if I’m in a luteal, follicular or bleeding cycle. Basically I know nothing. What I do know is that I feel a stabbing pain with the added PMS feelings whenever my stress level goes up and that seems to occur when I argue, watch TV, watch the news, read the news or hear anything about global affairs.

Easy solution. Stop watching TV, reading the paper or the Economist. I ask Dad to turn down the volume. I almost unplugged the TV at one point but thought better of it. The economist needs his fix. I dig out my book Dirt that’s taking me ages to read. I prescribe myself a few pages when I wake up and before going to bed. Distraction is the goal.

The most recent drug injection was making my emotions fly to greater extremes, combined with less sleep and little desire to eat. What to do? I bought a box of Boost “The Original Nutritious Drink”.  In my haste to gather everyone’s supplies from the drug store I grabbed a family pack without looking at the ingredients. When I got home I discovered the second and third ingredients are sugar. How is this a food replacement?!  The rest of the ingredients are unrecognisable or “flavourings”. I immediately drove back to the drugstore and exchanged the box for a diabetic version. No, I’m not diabetic but sugar makes my cortisol levels spike which triggers more inflammation and more estrogen circulates through my body: estrogen excess is what has got me into the predicament in the first place. No, not good to consume sugar, nor the fourth ingredient: milk. Even if it were organic, which its not, cows have heightened estrogen levels while producing milk. So yet again, more estrogen into my body. Starve or eat artificial sweeteners and milk? I choose my battles.

I took a tetra pack out of the branded box and twisted the cap off. Even the packaging is an environmental nightmare. I took a sip. The thick goopy texture stuck to my tongue and throat. The vanilla flavour lingered forever after I swallowed. Hate is strong word but there are a few flavours I dislike passionately and artificial vanilla is one of them. 

“Utterly repulsive, this is not a realistic option” I said to myself. If it makes me gag, its not going to help my mental or physical health. I walked over to the fridge and took out the vegetable drawer and started washing carrots. Juicing and soup, that’s how I’m going to get through this. I’ll freeze them and heat or “warm” as needed. Not ideal, but better than Boost. 

While I tried not to let the meeting with the specialist be my sole focus, I did however manifest a successful surgery during my daily meditations and created a “to-do” list of what I needed to make that happen. I set up a meeting with my yoga instructor in Australia. We developed a yoga sequence to rebuild my energy in preparation for the surgery and another post-surgery sequence to facilitate healing and calm the mind and body. That was followed by another zoom meeting with my Chinese doctor. She prescribed a protocol of food and supplements to also build my strength for pre and post surgery.

The weeks flew by. 

May 10th, 2021

I woke before dawn with a knot in my stomach. Today is THE day; my follow up phone consultation with THE specialist. My lower abdomen was tight. It was that familiar tension I experienced when consulting with people who incessantly didn’t believe I was in pain. They’d placate me by telling me its my gut, IBS or run another set of blood labs to demonstrate they cared.

While lying there I decided I’d speak to the pain in my lower left groin. “What do you want?” Heal and forgive were words that came to my mind. “Who do I need to forgive?  My ex, my parents, my brother, myself, the 911 attackers?” (Yes, I was there that day). “Healing is the mission. Help others heal. The line to health is not a linear path. Leaf is my helper. He has lots of joy to give. Give him a few friends. Why is he alone all the time? Give him friends. Heal my fear of confrontation and maintain my boundaries.” The voice kept talking: “I need to have this out. I wanted the surgery and now its happening.”

Wow.

I was incredulous. It this my inner voice? Do I trust it? Not really, but deep down that voice was telling me I’d be fine, and I knew it was right.