Could You Repeat that Please?

I finally reach the doctor I've been chasing and I'm still a ball of nerves

Diary entry, May 10th, 2021

Its the big day. I roll out of bed, scrape my tongue, brush my teeth, do my breath work, yoga and finally then sit with my lemon water. I have no desire to eat. The butterflies in the stomach are incessant. I try to push them away with a few deep inhale-exhales. Where is the tension? What’s causing this?

Medical medical, always the same.

Why? I’m finally speaking with the doctor I’ve chased since February and now its happening. That fear of getting what you want is so strange. It’s ironic to be stressed from this. I tried to distract myself with more deep breathing.

I’m the type of person who rips the bandaid off simply to de-stress, so waiting for a phone call, something beyond my control is a stress. I head to the study, sit at the desk with paper and pen ready. The phone rings a few minutes before the allocated time. Should I answer it? I don’t want to miss my call while talking to some robocaller.

I pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Is this Siobhan?” A male voice asks. I’ve always had a keen knack for recognising voices and know immediately who’s calling. “Hi Dr. Singh, how are you?”

After a very quick hello, he’s dives right into updating my profile and reviews my surgical and medical history. “You had an MRI is November 2020, is this the most up to date?” he inquired.

When I finally achieved an appointment with his office, I immediately called my GP and asked for an MRI. It did not make sense to me why the specialist’s office only wanted an ultrasound without an MRI. The wait times were terrible. I’d suffered unnecessarily for six months waiting for the initial MRI with four visits to the emergency room while waiting and constantly being told they saw nothing.

Happily my hunch was right. “I had an MRI last week and told them to send you the results. I’ve got them on a disk. Can I send it to your office?” I asked feeling gratified that my efforts were finally seeing results. “That’s great. I’m not sure why I don’t have them. I should be able to access them” he responded. “I’m happy to get the disk to you, its par for the course at this point. I seem to be doing all the leg work” I said. “No, you should not have to do that. I’ll get my office to chase the file.” We were both quiet while he typed in the information.

“So you have an atypical polypoid adenomyoma. Basically, its deep endometriosis on the outside of the uterus with potential of a low grade cancer. The pathologies are inconclusive so we need to remove the uterus to avoid cancer, if its not already present. You understand we need to remove the uterus. Are you ok with that?” I paused for a moment. I knew this was coming but I’d hoped to avoid it. “Yes, I understand. Is there any way I can keep my ovaries?” I asked. “That is an option but there is still the possibility that you’ll need another surgery at a later date to remove them if cancer develops. You understand that? I suppose we could do a frozen section during surgery and if the results are clear then we’ll keep the ovaries” he said. I remained silent. He continued, “There is no way to be definitive about the uterus until we do extensive pathology so we have to remove it. Your ovaries look good”. “I like the option of doing a frozen section during surgery. I’d like to keep my ovaries if I can” I responded. There was another pause while he typed the request for a frozen section. “Would you be open to going home the same day?” He asked. I was quiet for another moment, my brain was processing slowly given my nerves and all the opposing information I’d been told up to that point. “Yes, yes of course” I paused again then asked “does that mean you will do the surgery laparoscopically? I didn’t think that was possible from what I’ve been told.” He was quick to respond. “There is always the possibility that we’ll have to make a large incision but this is what I specialise in. That’s why you were sent to me. If we rupture the bowel, I will repair it immediately with the laparoscope” he said. “Even though we’re speaking today, my surgeon still feels she’ll be performing the surgery” I responded. “Why is that? Because of my wait times?” He asked.  “Yeah, she feels that I’ll bleed out before an opening becomes available” I responded. “I’ve put you on the critical list. These are the surgeries we’re doing while everything is under lockdown. You might have surgery in two weeks or it might be as late as August but there is no way they should be performing this surgery. This is my specialty. That’s why you’ve been referred to me” he reiterated. I was quiet again. Did he just say two weeks? How surreal. I had no desire to inform him that I’d asked for the referral while my surgeon continuously told me there was no chance I’d get on his waiting list. She even said that he was taking on fewer clients. Instead I asked “what do I do if I bleed out between now and the unknown surgery date? I’m due to have my final Lupron shot next week, then I’ll have 30 days before my body stops suppressing my cycle. What should I do?” I asked. “If you don’t hear from my reception by next week, have the Lupron shot. I can prescribe norlutate for the Lupron side effects and that should help.” I paused for a moment and reviewed my list of questions. “If I have the surgery in two weeks, should I have my covid injection?” I asked. “Hold off. You need a two week window before surgery so I would hold off” he responded. “What will be the post-op procedure?” I asked. The conversation was jumping all over since I was trying to get all my questions answered before he had to go. “You’ll go home the same day and take tylenol and advil.” I reminded him about my intolerance to anti-inflammatories. “Right, we can prescribe a suppository for the pain if you’re open to that?” I immediately responded “yes, that’s fine, anything that avoids the stomach pain.” I could hear more typing and then it stopped. “I’ve added that to the file and we’ll discuss it further once we know your surgery date” he said. “Is there anything else?” He asked. As usual my main concern was being left to fend for myself. “If I start to bleed out again after the next Lupron injection. What do I do? Who do I call? Do I call my current OBGYN surgeon or you?” I asked forcefully, terrified that I would yet again be without any medical supervision. “I want you to call me” he responded warmly. He gave me the direct phone number to his assistant. “She can’t help with anything medical but she will get the message to me and she’ll also be the one to call if you don’t hear from me in a week regarding your surgery date”.