At Long Last

I am so lucky.

Diary entry:

April 27th, 2021

Lying in bed trying to relax. I’v got the ultrasound today with the specialist but my head and body hurt. I had the second Lupron shot last week and my anxiety is peaking yet again. I’ve had a few early morning hot flashes but nothing this morning thankfully. However, I am feeling VERY anxious. Why? Another doctor’s visit and the fight to be heard? What makes me so nervous about seeing medical people? What will the specialist say? Will I feel strong enough to voice my concerns? Will I be able to advocate for myself? Ugh, that creepy anxious feeling is growing stronger. What to do? Distraction: what makes me happy?

Walking

Walking in nature 

Creating

Learning new ideas

Painting 

Mission this week: paint a large scale painting. Get the paper. You need paper to paint a large painting. 

Thank you body for healing me. 

Thank you for the strength to move forward. 

Thank you for the forward momentum. 

Thank you. 

I love my soul. 

I love my body, 

I love my mind. 

Ok, what level is the anxiety? 10?  No, more like an 8. Keep going: what makes me happy?

Baths

Biking 

Snooping around new cities 

Reading about health; lets put this one on the back burning for the moment

Farmers markets

Growing food

Cuddling and playing with the cat

My heart is strong, 

My healing is already in progress.

I’ve got a headache between my eyes in the centre of the head and my ears are ringing. Sigh. 

I am the luckiest person I know. 

Lucky things happen to me every day. 

I am lucky. 

Abundance and health is flowing to me.

Love is all around me. 

Deep breath in and out.

How’s the anxiety? 1-10?

7

Is this the full moon? The Lupron or the medical visit? I’ve been focused on this specialist visit for so long and now its happening. I should be excited. Maybe its both?

Body scan:

Right shoulder pain 

Ovaries ache 

Hips hurt

Lower left groin pain 

Nausea

Headache comes and goes and moves around my head 

One step at a time. 

What steps do I need to take to heal? 

Healing is coming. No, my healing is already in progress.

My brain is racing. How to relax? Relax, relax relax. Yeah, that’s not going to cut it.

Just saying “relax” is not going to make it happen Siobhan. 

Thank you arch angel Raphael and arch angel Gabriel for your love, guidance and healing. 

I put on my parka and drive to the ultrasound appointment. Spring is in the air but its still only just above freezing. I park and walk to the entrance of the Riverside hospital. There is a line outside the building. Each person passes through two check points. First check point is the regular question such as travel and sniffle questions: do I have any symptoms and have I travelled lately. The second check point makes me remove my N95 mask and replace it with a thin surgical paper mask.

I take the elevator to the 3rd floor and check in with reception. I am the only person in the waiting area. My anxiety is making me feel like I’m going to explode so I pace the waiting area reading all the news clippings about Dr. Singh. Its hard to believe I’m finally here: my surgeon said it would never happen. Positive thinking is definitely the way to go.

Happily the wait is short and I’m led down a corridor to a changing room and then into the examination room. “The doctor is in the clinic training with us today so if you don’t mind, he will come in after my initial procedure and do some training.” My brain takes a minute to process what she’s just said. I’m pretty sure she just said THE surgeon was going to come in. “Yes! Yes, definitely, not a problem. I’ve just had my second menopause inducing injection last week so I’m feeling very anxious and my brain is not working properly, so please bear with me.” She smiles and starts the procedure.

A few minutes later there’s a knock on the door and the surgeon comes in. We chat briefly before he starts training with the technician. I lie quietly as they discuss the equipment and what they see on the screen. He addresses me with a few general questions but truth be told, its hard to converse with a probe in your vagina and a body riddled with anxiety but I try to focus. Light hearted questions about my background then he focuses again on the screen. I remain silent as they continue.

They complete the procedure, put everything away and he sits on the chair beside me. “What do you want to do?” He asks. “I’ve never been asked that question. I’d like to keep my uterus.” I respond. “Ok” he says. “Really?” I asked in a surprised tone. I was not expecting that response after so many months of being told I couldn’t. “I’m not fully abreast of your file but we can try to do that” he responds. “I’ve been told I can’t keep my uterus due to the location of the growths. If I can, I’d prefer to.” I give him an overview of the four inconclusive pathologies, the pain attacks and the incessant bleeding. “I can’t bear to have another Lupron shot, all the side effects are rendering me a useless human. I’m constantly anxious, I have chest pain, blurry eyes and headaches. All of these started after the Lupron shot”. He was silent for a moment and then asked “when is your follow up meeting with me?” “Its on the 15th of May” I respond. “That’s great, its soon so your case will still be fresh in my mind.” 

I head home and lie on the bed. I’m feeling weak and spent and its only its 8:15 pm. What’s making me so nervous? The unknown? I try to change my outlook. Given I don’t know what might happen, I focus on living one day at a time; deal with the current issues and think about the future at a later date, I tell myself. I journal my thoughts and write as if I’ve already had the surgery: 

The surgery was very successful. Now I’m focused on healing my mind and body more every day.

Manifestations are my bestie!